How do you start your very first blog post? That is a question I have pondered for many years. As of right now, I have five other blogs with various names; all attempts to be obedient. Each time I attempted to obey His call only to become scared and full of anxiety. I suppose it just wasn’t time yet. This time, it seems different.
On December 22, my children hosted their annual Capture the Flag party. The deal with hosting a party that close to Christmas was that there would be no work involved for me. I actually enjoy preparing for Christmas festivities and I needed the time to work. They agreed. For various different reasons I’d rather keep to myself, I ended up never getting to the work I had to do. And I wasn’t happy about it.
When I woke up the next morning, something was different. I was still thinking about the events of the previous day, still disturbed by them. But there was something else on my mind: the Spirit was leading me into something I just simply did not want to do.
This is real, folks. Obedience was the farthest thing from my heart.
For several weeks this past fall, I have been working with a Christian Life Coach. Ana was wonderful and helped me so much. I worked through different goals I had and accomplished much. But I avoided discussing the one thing I believed the Lord wanted me to discuss as a goal….blogging. I’ve always wanted to. I have no writing skills and absolutely no courage though. My anxiety goes through the roof. But that morning when I woke up, the nag was something I couldn’t ignore anymore.
I use several different color pens in my Bible journal. That morning was no different. In fact, I used two: one for my negative, arguing prayers and one for my more positive, praise-like prayers. I went back and forth between “I am an absolute failure with no voice or writing ability” to “You are a great God who has done many great things in my life the past 20 years. It is YOU who has sanctified me!!!” I’ve never wrestled before God like that before.
He worked on some deeper sins in my heart. And He continually spoke to me. I always wonder if those “words” I hear are actually God speaking to me. This morning is was all His word. Words I didn’t know were stored up in my heart. It’s been a very long time since I have felt the healing touch of God to the point were I was completely broken at the end of it. It was healing. And ultimately, I knew. I no longer had any other choice but to say “Yes, Lord”.
So I am here.