Warning: This post could contain triggers for those sensitive on this day.
It didn’t happen.
When I found out what day she was going to be in the air I had to squash every fear that mom’s naturally bring up in their minds. It’s 911!!. Who gets on a plane on 911?!! But I didn’t want her to see me feeling afraid. I didn’t want her to see me being superstitious about this day because I’ve taught her NOT to be superstitious.
This morning has been a bit surreal for me. Remembering 911 coupled with my little girl leaving has me in quite an emotional pickle.
I vividly remember this day 19 years ago. Sometimes it still feels like it happen yesterday with the imagines so burned into my memory. I remember turning on the news after Chris called to tell me that a plane just flew into the World Trade Center. When he said plane, I was thinking a twin engine with maybe one or two people in it. Somebody must has really miscalculated. It didn’t really dawn on me until I watched LIVE the second plane crash into the tower. It wasn’t a miscalculation. It was premeditated murder.
I remember the surreal moment watching the first tower fall and screaming silently in my heart while also asking myself, “Is this real? What about the people? What about the fire fighters? Police? What about the people? Are there people on the ground being buried too? What about the PEOPLE?!!!!!!!”
I remember the quiet of the skies for the first week afterward.
How could I have known that 19 years later, the little girl, whom I kept out of sight of the TV to protect her fragile heart, could potentially be on a plane the very same day?
I simply felt afraid. There. I said it. This momma felt afraid. I’m not afraid of her leaving for another country. I was afraid of the meaning of this day. I was afraid of the day.
God’s providence would have it that there was more to learned her before she left. There was more in her waiting.
She didn’t leave today.
Jenny never really batted an eye over leaving on 911. It did come to mind but she just ran with it. I think that takes courage. She’s giving her heart to Another, because this is not her home. Heaven is her home and she is working for the eternal not the temporal.
As much as I was afraid to put my child on an airplane on 911, I did fight the fear and took every thought captive. I reminded myself that God has her in His hands more than I ever did.
Tomorrow, assuming the Visa arrives today, my little girl will leave. I’ve been shoving the pain and dread down all week. Dropping her off with be hard the hardest thing I’ve ever done as a mother thus far. Tomorrow when we drop her off I will keep reminding myself, she doesn’t belong to me. She belongs to God. And He made her for such a time as this. He has ordained this mission for her.
And I will especially thank Him for the small grace that she didn’t have to fly to Ohio on 911.